


Screaming Tranquility

by barricadebastard



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Raising a Child, idk how to title shit sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 10:30:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11712561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barricadebastard/pseuds/barricadebastard
Summary: A sneak-peak into the domestic life of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr.





	Screaming Tranquility

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Majinie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Majinie/gifts).



> this is for majinie, who has been honestly amazing in motivating me throughout my fics and leaving amazing comments that never fail to make me emotional ❤❤

Alexander was going to cry. He was honest to God seconds away from giving up and bawling his eyes out. Theodosia was ill, and her cold had made her fussier than usual. She had refused her dinner, which now decorated the floor and walls of the kitchen, and was currently screaming on the floor. The sound was grating to Alexander’s ears, and he couldn’t even approach her to help calm her down without feeling as though he was going to break down. So he stared, helpless, from the other side of the kitchen as she wailed. 

God, he was such a terrible father, he thought miserably. He couldn’t even help his own daughter when she was upset and ill. 

“Babe?” a familiar voice called, and Alexander almost collapsed with relief. Finally, Aaron was home, and he wasn’t alone to deal with his screaming baby by himself.

“In the kitchen,” Alexander called weakly. He wasn’t sure that Aaron heard him over the sound of Theodosia’s wailing, but Aaron appeared at the door of the kitchen in seconds, looking like a saviour to all of mankind. Alexander shot him a desperate look.

“What’s going on?” Aaron asked, making his way to Theodosia. 

“The cold is making her fussier,” Alexander explained, then adding, “She’s been crying all day. I don’t know what to do anymore. Christ, I’m glad you’re here.” 

Aaron began bouncing Theodosia on his hip, patting her back and cooing softly. At first, it had no effect, and Theodosia’s cries only seemed to increase. Alexander was ready to leave the kitchen, if only to escape the screams that had been hurting his eyes, when he noticed that Theodosia was starting to calm down. Slowly, but surely, her cries lessened, turning into sad sniffles as she buried her snotty face in Aaron’s best work shirt. To his credit, the man barely flinched. Alexander couldn’t help but feel his stomach twist in envy. He had spent all morning doing everything he could to calm Theodosia down, including what Aaron was doing now, and for a brief second, he wondered if she just hated him. He pushed the thought out of his mind almost immediately. Such thoughts were not productive, and besides, Theodosia was just a baby who didn’t understand hate yet.

(Maybe when she grew up…)

(No. Alexander wasn’t going to think about that. He wasn’t going to end up like his own father.)

“Hey, are you okay?” Aaron asked gently, walking over to Alexander. The latter managed a tired smile. 

“Yeah, just a little overwhelmed. She hasn’t eaten dinner yet.” 

Aaron pulled a face as he looked at the splatters of baby food across the kitchen like some abstract art. “Yeah, I see that. Maybe we should just give her water and feed her a little later.” 

“I’ll make it now,” Alexander agreed, reaching for the kettle. Theodosia preferred lukewarm water to cold water (something Alexander would never understand nor agree with, but whatever, to each their own), and Aaron had a thing against hot tap water. As Theodosia was taken to the living room, Alexander set about washing one of her bottles, pouring the water, testing it constantly to make sure it was just the right measure of warm and not too hot. It was a satisfyingly mind-numbing process, considering how many times he had gone through the steps before, and he felt some of the tension in his body bleed away with each step.

When he made it to the living room, bottle in hand, Theodosia was half-asleep in Aaron’s arms. Alexander held the bottle in front of her, and she blinked sleepily before taking it with both hands and sucking absently as her eyes fluttered shut again.

“Are you okay?” Aaron asked again. 

Alexander pulled a face, looking away. He felt a little pathetic that he couldn’t even handle a breakdown or two without needing help, and the sympathy in Aaron’s voice did nothing to help. “Yeah, I’m good. I just… feel bad, you know.” 

“That’s okay,” Aaron said. “Kids are hard sometimes. You can’t be the perfect parent at all times.” 

What he was saying was true, but Alexander couldn’t dispel the guilt churning in his stomach regardless. So he said nothing, just watching Theodosia’s chest rise and fall as her breaths evened out. Even without words, Aaron seemed to know he still felt awful, and he carefully shifted Theodosia to one arm, using the other to tug Alexander closer to himself. Alexander went willingly, tucking his head on Aaron’s shoulder and silently relishing in the contact. No words were exchanged, as all three of them remained on the couch, simply breathing and existing in the comforting company of those they loved. 

“I’m going to put her to bed,” Aaron said finally, as the bottle fell from Theodosia’s fingers. “I’ll be back in a minute, okay?” 

“Can-” Alexander began closing his mouth quickly again. Aaron stared at him, waiting, until his resolve broke down again. “Can I put her to bed? I just… I need…” Alexander had no idea how to explain that he needed reassurance that he  _ could  _ raise a child, that he wasn’t a complete mess all the time. How could he present that through words, in a way that did not make him sound pitiable? Why did his words desert him when he needed them most?

Aaron didn’t ask him to explain; he held out Theodosia to Alexander, smiling as he watched the other carefully rearrange her into a comfortable position. The shifting made Theodosia open her eyes again, but she only glanced at Alexander before scrunching her fist in his shirt and closing her eyes again. Alexander felt his heart swell, watching her small chubby hand entangle itself in the material, and had to take a moment to calm himself again before leading her upstairs for a nap.

She didn’t fuss as he laid her down in her cot, merely murmuring slightly before shifting into a more comfortable position to sleep in. Her eyelashes looked impossibly long as they brushed the top of her cheeks, and everything about her radiated such purity and innocence that Alexander felt breathless. She was beautiful, and she was his  _ daughter.  _ Sometimes, it shocked him that Aaron even trusted him with someone so perfect yet delicate.

Alexander watched her for a few minutes before heading back downstairs to Aaron.

“Thanks,” Alexander said sheepishly. Aaron smiled, warm and non-judgemental in that way he always was. 

“It’s fine,” Aaron dismissed. “You know you don’t have to be perfect, right? _ No one  _ is. And that’s normal.” 

Alexander sighed, slumping back against the couch again. He understood what Aaron was saying, but still… “I just don’t want to end up like my dad, you know? I don’t want her to hate me like I hate him.” 

There. It was out in the air, and Aaron was free to interpret that as he would. Alexander would be the first to admit that he was extremely vocal on almost all topics, but talking about his father was something that had always been - and might always will be - difficult for him. Shame, anger, frustration and longing mixed together and choked him when he tried to find the words for the difficult relationship he had with the man that had helped create him, and the idea of showing such weakness made Alexander uncomfortable. But he could trust Aaron. 

“But what are the chances that you  _ will  _ end up like him?” Aaron asked, wrapping an arm around Alexander’s frame and tugging him closer until their bodies were pressed together, basking in each others’ warmth. “He abandoned you completely and treated you more like a service he could regularly get money from rather than his flesh and blood. Needing to take a break when Theo is having a tantrum isn’t nearly the same, and she won’t hate you for it.” 

“I know,” Alexander sighed. “I know that, rationally. I just freak out anyway.” 

Aaron didn’t reply, just wrapping his arms tighter around his husband.

* * *

Alexander and Aaron had fallen into some sort of half-slumber, in which they were vaguely aware of their surroundings but not quite awake. Aaron was lying on the couch, still holding Alexander who was positioned between his legs and burying his face in Aaron's chest.

“Papa,” a voice called and both of them jerked awake. “Papaaaaa!”

“I'll go get her,” Aaron said, rubbing his eyes in an effort to wake up properly. His suit was rumpled and he had sleep lines on his right cheek. It was all too endearing. “Could you get her dinner ready again?”

“Of course,” Alexander replied lightly, pressing a quick kiss against Aaron's cheek before making his way to the kitchen. He grimaced at the mess that covered the walls and floor - he'd need to clean that up before it stained - and quickly threw together several vegetables into a purée. As he waited for it to blend, he began to scrub the remainders from the floor, just as Aaron entered in the kitchen, with Theodosia balanced on his hip.

“She seems to be in a good mood,” Aaron commented lightly.

This was true. Her eyes were still puffy and her cheeks still swollen, but there was no trace of her tantrum from earlier. She laughed, carefree, as the blender whirred. 

“She sure does,” Alexander agreed. He reached out to trace the line of her nose, and she scrunched her face playfully at the touch and grabbed his finger with her tiny hands. 

“Dada,” she said, holding her arms out expectantly. Alexander snorted, picking her up from Aaron’s grip even as he mock-grumbled, ' _ Now  _ she wants me’.

The rest of the evening flashed by in a blur. Aaron finally changed out of his suit before joining Alexander to feed their daughter. The house was filled with fake airplane noises and Theodosia’s laughter, as she gradually made her way through the meal. Aaron then began to arrange their own dinner, as Alexander continued to entertain Theodosia in the living room. 

“Where is she?” Alexander called out dramatically, pretending to look around. Theodosia giggled from where she was half-hidden by the curtain, but didn't move. “Oh no! Aaron, we've lost Theodosia! Theo, where are you?”

Theodosia chose this moment to pull the curtain back, shouting incoherently. 

“There she is!” Alexander crowed delightedly. Theodosia seemed just as excited, bouncing and clapping her hands. She ran over to Alexander clumsily, taking his hands and placing them firmly in front of his eyes. 

“Stay!” she commanded with surprising force. Alexander obliged, continuing to cover his eyes until she called, “Dada!”

When he moved his hands again, she was attempting to hide behind the couch. Her hair was still visible, little afro curls peeking from behind the couch. Her feet could be seen too, one clad in a hot pink sock and the other bare. Nonetheless, Alexander began to call for her again, pretending to be clueless.

“Theo? Theodosia, where are you?” he began to call, only paused when he heard Aaron laugh behind him. He turned to see the man leaning against the doorframe, watching him with a fond gaze that made Alexander's stomach twist with the realisation that he was wanted. 

“You're really invested in this, aren't you?” Aaron asked, amused. Alexander grinned. 

“Shut up and help me 'find’ her.”

Aaron rolled his eyes, but obliged, pulling the curtains back and calling her name alongside Alexander. It was stupid, and felt ridiculously childish, but their silliness was fuelled by Theodosia’s giggles. Alexander knew, in that moment, he would do anything to keep Theodosia laughing like that, bright and happy. For a second, he imagined her when she would be older, hardened by the harshness of life, but he pushed that thought away. For now, she was here and happy, and that was enough. 

“Papa!” Theodosia yelled as she jumped out from her hiding place. Alexander and Aaron feigned shock as she clapped her hands excitedly. 

“There she is!” Aaron crooned. “Come on now, sweetie, time for lunch.”

Theodosia seemed to understand, holding out her arms to be picked up. Alexander retrieved the baby food he had prepared in the kitchen as Aaron strapped her in her highchair and turned the TV on to her favourite channel.

“Christ, her vocabulary is developing fast,” Alexander commented, as Theodosia chanted “Bad! Bad! Bad!” at the cartoon villain on screen.

“It's kind of scary,” Aaron admitted. “I don't want her to be growing up so quick.”

Alexander hummed in agreement, dipping the spoon into the baby food. The mere idea of Theodosia growing up into an independently thinking teenager terrified him - although Alexander had never had the opportunity to experience it himself, it seemed like all teenagers hated their parents, and the thought of Theodosia being ashamed of her parents, squirming away from hugs and rolling her eyes when they expressed concern for her.

“Sometimes, I’m scared she might hate me when she grows up,” Alexander finally confessed. It was something that had been plaguing him ever since he started dating Aaron, but he never had the courage to admit how much he thought about it. “Her mother’s dead and instead she’s got a second dad with a cocktail of mental illnesses and no idea how to bring up a child.” 

Aaron didn’t reply for a moment, wiping the smeared food on Theodosia’s cheeks away as she stared at the TV, entranced.

“I doubt she will,” he replied slowly. “It’s rare for children to genuinely hate their parents, unless they’re abusive or neglectful. And  _ no one  _ knows how to bring up a child. I sure as hell don’t know how to bring up a child. But we just have to have faith in our instincts and maybe google some stuff, you know?” When Alexander didn’t reply, Aaron added, “And besides, we’re in this together. We’ll learn on the way.” 

“Sure,” Alexander agreed. 

Silence fell again, and the house was filled only with the sounds of the television playing in the background. No more words were exchanged, but Alexander didn’t need words to comfort him now. Aaron’s arm was around his waist and he could rest his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder whilst still watching Theodosia absentmindedly swallowed the  puréed  food. The moment felt precious, and Alexander wished he could live in it forever, in this gentle carefree bliss where the outside world was locked away and it was just the three of them and whatever cartoon was playing next. 

Alexander wanted to live his whole life this way.

Aaron looked soft under the golden glow of the television. His face was relaxed, and there was no hint of that fake smile he reserved for people outside of his home. There was no need to pretend now, not under their own roof, there was no need for a facade. All cards were on the table and there was no vulnerability that came with it because they  _ trusted  _ each other.

“You’re beautiful,” Alexander told him. 

Aaron smiled, bashful under the praise. “So are you, love.” 

* * *

The calm only lasted for so long. Sleepiness made Theodosia fussy again, and once the cartoon finished, so did the content atmosphere, shattered into pieces by Theodosia’s crying. Alexander rushed to pick her up, but the contact did not seem to soothe her at all. She continued to wail desperately, even as Alexander bounced her lightly on his hip and murmured soothing words in her ear.

“Do you want me to take her?” Aaron asked. He didn't sound like he was judging, but Alexander cringed nonetheless. “You've been looking after her all day, you deserve a break.”

“It's fine,” Alexander excused. Aaron looked mildly confused by this answer, so Alexander sighed and elaborated. “I need to prove to myself that I can handle her.”

This made Aaron snort a little, and despite the screaming in his ear and the niggling fear that he would never be good enough for Theodosia, Alexander couldn't help but smile at how adorable his husband was. “You're a stubborn thing, aren't you?” Aaron teased. Alexander grinned, unabashed, before turning his attention back to the girl on his hip. 

“Shh, come on baby, what's the matter?” he asked. Unsurprisingly, she didn't answer. Alexander touched her forehead - not particularly hot, or, at least, no matter than expected from a child who had been screaming at the top of her lungs for the past couple of minutes. Then he checked her diaper, carefully flipping over to sniff and… Yeah, that was  _ definitely  _ the issue. Wrinkling his nose, he set her down on the floor. “Babe, can you grab the diaper stuff for me?”

“Of course,” Aaron replied reaching over the sofa to grab the bag of supplies. He handed over a towel, a fresh diaper, talcum powder and a small giraffe to distract Theodosia. Alexander set the young girl down on the towel and got to work. “Can I ask you a question?”

It was a rather ominous question in and of itself, but Alexander merely responded with a suspicious look and a “Sure.”

Aaron still seemed hesitant though, choosing to frown at the pack of diapers instead of asking whichever question was internally tormenting him. “Do you think… I mean, I understand if you'd prefer not to, but do you think we could bring Philip over this weekend? It'd be nice for him and Theodosia to bond with kids their age.”

“Of course!” Alexander said immediately, surprised that Aaron had even been so scared to bring it up. “I actually wanted to ask you that but I didn't know if you'd be okay with it. That's great, they could have a little playdate and let Eliza have a break because she damn well deserves it.”

“Mind your language,” Aaron scolded lightly, hitting Alexander's shoulder. Theodosia giggled, stuffing her fist in her mouth. She seemed far too amused for someone watching their father get it, so Alexander stuck his tongue out at her before turning back to Aaron.

“'Damn’ isn't a swear,” Alexander argued. 

“It damn well is in this house,” Aaron replied, smirking unabashedly when Alexander gaped at his nerve. 

“I'm leaving you. I'm breaking up with you. I'm packing my bags right now.”

“Uh huh.”

“And I'm taking Theodosia with me. She doesn't deserve such a mean father. She'll be happy with me.”

“Of course.”

“You think I'm joking, don't you? Just you wait, I'm going to leave you and take everything you love and you'll be left alone, knowing that you fuc- you messed up so badly you lost everything good in your life.”

“I'm sure, darling.”

“Don't patronise me!”

**Author's Note:**

> i spent three years studying Child Development and i still don't know how kids work rip if there's anything that's ridiculously inaccurate, lemme know (i don't even fucking know what talcum powder is tbh what is my life)
> 
> my tumblr is [hhhercules-mulligan](http://www.hhhercules-mulligan.tumblr.com)


End file.
